Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Five Myths of Trust


There are some old nuggets that have been around for so long that I've seen people quote them as undeniable truths. Don't believe in something just because you've heard it multiple times or read it on the Internet. If you are going to trust and be trustworthy you need to be discerning.​

Myth Five:
Telling people to trust you is a great way to start a trust relationship.

Trust is earned over time. People want to know that your words and your deeds match and that you can be counted on. Words, as they say, are cheap. Actions must match the words.

Myth Four:
The higher up you go in the company, the less you trust that company.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. Does that surprise you? Research shows that it is the junior positions, the people who have the least authority, who have the least trust in the organization. When you think about it, it makes sense. If you are in control of what the narrative is, you’re more likely to trust what you hear since you’re the one saying it.  According to Edelman, trust in the institution gets lower as you go down the chain of command.
• 64 % of executives trust the organization
• 51 % of managers trust the organization
• 47 % of rank/file employees trust the organization

Myth Three:
If you want to be trusted, hide your mistakes!

Let me break this to you gently. No one thinks you’re perfect. When you let others know you’ve messed up, it gives them permission to admit their mistakes and you’re not spending consultant dollars trying to figure out what went wrong in your company. You get to correct the mistakes before they grow like a bad mold and do damage. Not only that, people will believe and trust you more because they know you can be counted on to tell the truth, even when it’s difficult.

Myth Two:
People must prove they can be trusted before you can trust them.

If we go into a relationship believing that the other person needs to earn our trust it changes how we are with them. Imagine meeting someone who treats you like you are untrustworthy, would you be willing to share your best ideas and offer to collaborate? Probably not. We form trust relationships by extending trust.

Myth One:
It takes a lifetime to build trust and only a moment to destroy it.

I don’t know when this snowball started rolling down the hill but trust isn’t lost in one moment. It erodes over time. If trust was lost when we made a mistake, there wouldn’t be any in the world. I love what a colleague, Charles H. Green, from Trust Across America said about this myth:

“If I have a deep level of trust in you, and you screw up a little bit – I’m likely to forgive you, give you another chance, cut you a break. Of course, if you screw up a lot – enough to use up the reservoir of trust we’ve developed – then that’s another matter entirely.”

So trust isn’t lost in a moment, just as it isn’t built in a moment. Like Charles said, trust isn’t a matter of time, it’s a matter of quality. If you’ve built up solid trust over a period of time, it won’t be gone in a moment.

More trust means more success at work and in our personal relationships. I can help build the trust in your organization. If it's your time to tackle this difficult issue, I'm here to help. Get in touch.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

It Shouldn't Hurt When We Laugh


I can tell the amount of trust in an organization by the amount of laughter I hear in the hallways. Offices where people trust are more joyful and people aren’t afraid to share their humor.​

There are times when it takes me a long time to get the words out of my head and onto paper. Part of the reason is I start along a particular path and then an off ramp takes me in another direction.

This is what I was thinking when I decided to write about humor and trust. My good friend Michael Kerr is a humorist and has done a lot of research around effective companies, humor and trust. Effective humor at work improves office morale and increases trust. Michael’s humor is uplifting and never cruel.

Now here is my off-ramp...

Years ago I worked for a major telecommunications company in Canada. One of the managers had a second job as a standup comic and was less than a year away from giving up his full time, solid pension and good benefit job to host a TV show. He was that good! His morning meetings were well attended because he would deliver the information in a way that had all of us laughing and listening. There was also a very dark side to him. He was a bully who used humor as a blunt instrument to punish anyone he disagreed with or who had the temerity to hold an opposing opinion. I knew more than a few people who were eviscerated by his sarcasm and humor. I was never a victim but a few friends who were had a difficult time while they were the objects of his dark humor.

I’m getting back on the humor highway now since I know - and studies show - humor helps us trust more if it is used in a trustworthy way. It can be a powerful form of communication that can bring people together and increase community. In his book, The Humor Advantage - Why Some Businesses Are Laughing All the Way To The Bank, Michael Kerr writes about practicing safe workplace humor. Kerr says that reframing stressful events in a funny way has been shown to help people cope more effectively with stress.

If you want to create a positive trusting environment, allow the funny bone to do some of the heavy emotional lifting. As Michael suggests, create a code of humor conduct to remind staff to keep their humor positive. The same rules for a healthy workplace apply to the humor rules: no sexist, racist, political, ethnic, or put-downs.

When people laugh together it helps us overcome difficulties and builds trust. Be sincere. Be authentic. Be kind and don’t be afraid to laugh.

More trust means more success at work and in our personal relationships. I can help build the trust in your organization. If it's your time to tackle this difficult issue, I'm here to help. Get in touch.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The Trip Home


I am reminded of a quote attributed to David Duchovny, an actor and star of The X-Files. He says, "The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry."

I am reminded of Duchovny’s quote as I prepare for a trip back home to visit family and friends after a sustained absence from Canada while my husband and I waited for our papers to be processed for U.S. immigration. I have been feeling rejected and despondent because of the lack of response from my family.

I sent an email to my brothers and sister letting them know I would be back in the city and asked if they would like to get together. I received a response from one of my siblings; my oldest brother sent a kind and loving message letting me know that he would love to see me. He has always been this way: responsive and kind. The other three? Crickets. Now one brother is a Luddite, so it is possible he hasn’t even checked his emails. The other two, well, I wasn’t surprised, but I was disappointed.

This is where the quote from Duchovny comes in. I do know my family very well and, yet I want them to behave in a way that fulfills my expectations of how a loving family acts. I knew exactly who would get back to me and who would ignore the message and yet I still felt disappointed.

I can’t control their behavior, but I can control my response and my expectations.

It’s not a lot different in business either. Get to know a person or an organization and trust them to be whom they are. What is their reputation? Reputation is a backward glance of behaviors and actions that can accurately predict what we can expect in the future, yet too often we base our expectations on what we want. I don’t go to McDonalds and expect filet mignon... and I’ve never been disappointed.

I wish I could say that writing this has been completely cathartic and I’m OK with the lack of response from my family, but I still need to work on my expectations. Ah well, I’m happy to say my friends are as excited to see me, as I am to see them. Control what you can in life and let the rest go. Like many platitudes, easy to say, harder to do.

Have you had an experience that didn’t surprise you yet you were disappointed? I’d love to hear from you.

More trust means more success at work and in our personal relationships. I can help build the trust in your organization. If it's your time to tackle this difficult issue, I'm here to help. Get in touch.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Facts Don't Change


It is a cold miserable, 'out like a lion in March' time of year. My shoulders and back are still sore from shoveling the heavy wet snow off the driveway, sidewalk and walkway. Ouch! I wish I could walk out the door to better weather, which is what I'm sure, our dog Athena thinks can happen if she just asks the right person.

After a storm they named Stella (you know it’s bad when they actually name the storm), Athena had to go outside. She let me know by coming up with her big Newfoundland paw and giving me a whack. There is no mistaking the request. When she got to the door and poked her nose out, she gave me a look that said, “You’ve got to be kidding,” and turned around and went to lay back down by the fire. I stood there with the door open for a moment trying to convince her, but there was no way she was going outside.

After a few minutes, she went to my husband Ric and whacked him. Yes, we’re those people that have conversations with our dog and telling her how ridiculous she was behaving didn’t stop her. Since I was closer to the door, I opened it, but she gave me one of her looks and refused to even consider it. She knew the weather she could expect if I let her out!

Whack… Ric got hit again. After whining and not giving up, because she obviously really needed to go, Ric got up and opened the door. She was ready to do the same retreat, except this time she had one foot outside before she started to turn around and got a push, and the door closed behind her. She wasn’t very happy with us for not changing the weather as she had asked, and for making her deal with the reality.

Have you seen this same behavior in people? I have. They don’t like the facts they are given so they try going to another person to see if they can get the answer they want. It doesn’t work that way. If there is a storm outside, you can wish and visualize for sunshine all you want but, unless you change your location, it’s still going to be storming.

Facts don’t change because we don’t like them but they can spur us on to make positive changes. I’ve booked my trip down south and leave in a week. How about you? What fact or facts are you having trouble accepting? What changes do you need to make?

More trust means more success at work and in our personal relationships. I can help build the trust in your organization. If it's your time to tackle this difficult issue, I'm here to help. Get in touch.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Withstanding the Storms of Life


After I spoke at Harvard at the Conference on Emotional Intelligence, Wendy Wu, Founder of Six Seconds China and CEO and Founder of Wonder Tech, asked if she could interview me about sustainable happiness. At one point in the interview we talked about families, and she asked me what I want for my children. I wonder if she thought it strange when I said I want my children to have enough heartache and troubles to make their lives richer. An easy life doesn’t always make for a happy life, and overcoming struggles builds resilience.​

Today the wind was blowing so hard that when I looked up into the trees, I felt dizzy watching them sway and felt a tinge of fear that one was going to fall on me. We’ve lost a few trees to storms. Each year we bring in Rob the arborist to walk through our yard and figure out which trees are healthy and which ones will likely come down in high winds. It seems every year we lose a couple. Our beautiful oak tree looks quite ill, yet every year it surprises us with a healthy display of new buds and in the summer gently shades the yard with a beautiful green canopy. In its few hundred years on earth, it has weathered its fair share of storms. The root system covers a broad area of the back yard. In contrast, the young and beautiful hemlock tree surprised us by crashing down in a mild storm a couple of weeks ago. We found out later the root system was shallow and part of it was rotting.

Strong winds can’t blow down a healthy tree; only weak trees with diseases or a damaged root system come down in storms. It is nature’s way of clearing the woods of disease and damage. I was curious. What happens if a tree grows where there is no wind or disease? Are they stronger and healthier? It turns out they aren’t! In biospheres, they found that trees grew more rapidly but couldn’t grow beyond a certain height before they toppled. Scientists discovered the lack of wind caused a deficiency of stress or reaction wood, the wood that helps position a tree for the best sun absorption and also helps it to grow solidly. Trees are more fibrous and grow deeper roots when they are buffeted by high winds; the actual wood changes and becomes stronger.

It is part of nature that all things are strengthened by struggle. This is where the wish for my children intersects with the wind blowing through the trees. Instead of wishing them a life of ease and no pain or struggle, I trust they are stronger and more resilient when they have problems and overcome them. How about you?

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

The Hat Trick

Upstairs on the first landing of our house sits a chest. You can see it as you climb the stairs to our room. On top of it is my Father’s hat. Not the good one he wore if he had to go somewhere special. No, this is the one he wore when he had to go to the parts department to pick up an extra part for a truck he was working on.

Dad’s hobby was finding old Ford trucks, stripping them down, rebuilding the motor, pounding out the dings and dents, and then selling them. My mother said he usually spent more than he made but it gave him such pleasure seeing the old classics brought back to life. You could catch him any time of day, whistling and working on a truck and smoking a cigarette that he didn’t think anyone knew about. When I see one of those old classics on the road, I smile and think of him.

When he died, I asked my Mother if I could have his old hat. “I’ll see if I can get it cleaned,” she said. “It’s not in very good condition.”

I didn’t want it cleaned. I wanted it with the fingerprints that I could still see on the brim where he grabbed to put it on. I wanted it with the sweat stains on the inside brim, holding on to some of his DNA that helps me to hear his voice when I need to talk to him. I wanted to look at it and still see and imagine my Dad. It is a touchstone to remind me of the importance of integrity, honesty and his wickedly bad sense of humor that helps to light up the days that need to be lit up, and guide me to do the right thing even when no one is watching.

It’s not surprising I speak on trust. Dad believed in it. “If you can’t trust a person’s handshake there’s no sense in doing business with them. You can get a piece of paper but, if someone wants to be dishonest, they’ll find a way around it.” It’s not that he didn’t believe in contracts but, before he signed, he wanted to look a person in the eye, shake their hand and, by that simple act, know the measure of the person he was doing business with. He learned this crucial lesson like many of us do - the hard way.

What is your touchstone? What reminds you to ‘Do the right thing, even when no one is watching’?